: greyish wind

alright now, after thoughts, i suppose i manage to see a very clear picture, probably clearer then what she see in herself.

according to experiences, all these that happened shows,

how unimpt/impt a person is to him/ her,

certianly, when that person means alot, care, concern and understanding comes in.

but on the other side, when it's not, then nothing happen, because one cant be bother.

after all these,

i asked myself, how should things be carry on from now? what should i really do?

i touch my heart, it felt numb...

and certainly i have lost my confident for this r/s ..

- when feelings isnt there -

when feelings isnt there, then whatever another party do will not give you the 'blissful/happy' feelings, so that will mean that all efforts will go to drain.

when feelings isnt there, a relationship will become a burden, because then it will restrict your happiest and freedom.

when feelings isnt there, you wouldnt bother to do bits and pieces which will spice up and make the r/s a fulfilling one.

when feelings isnt there, you wouldnt bother to share stuffs (happy, worries, anger, saddess) with that person, so then things stop rolling.

when feelings isnt there, you wouldnt bother to see, do things, creating more memories togeter.

when feelings isnt there, you wouldnt miss that person anymore.

when feelings isnt there, you wouldnt bother to think what you can do for that person anymore.

-------------

but how does it really feels when feelings isnt there anymore,

i choose who to care, who should i fall for ... (is that the reason why i will never experience being the one who 'feelings isnt there anymore?)

alot people out there says follow feelings, but i realise that feelings are complicated.

i suppose feelings is just a igniter for the start for the r/s,

from then on, it depends on individuals,

on how you want to make things special,

on how you want to make that person different from others in ur life (friends, classmates, workmates ... .. )

on how you getting ur life involve with his/her,

on how you getting use having him/ her revolving around urs,

on how you getting use of having him/ her doing certain things for u,

on how you getting use of getting certian things done together.....

---- " -----

if you didnt allow me to step into ur life, then why start?

getting tgt isnt because of having the name/statues (in a relationship), it's because of wanting getting together with this person.

certainly you dont know what you want, what you need from a r/s. for these, i suppose you will figure it out urself in the future.

certainly whatever written is base purely on personal experiences and thoughts.

not angry or sad, it's just facing the reality.

glad that you guys are there to cheery me out =)

c how things goes ...
---- " ----

gosh wasted my half day today by sleeping at home ! -_-"''

OMG i am wasting time ! when i suppose to wash my dear bike, book FFI and Dental Appt, going to NTUC for house groceries ... and now i gonna book in agn for tmr BIG DAY. gosh hope everything will turn out great tmr, D Day ( pls pls no fainting spells, no mistakes ) !!

paraniod as always.
----- " -----

: super mixed

tossing on the bed from 1130pm till 430am then finally get to slp, 1 hrs ltr alarm rang , time to wake up. insomia

---- " ----

a msg came saying wanna tell me some stuffs,

i tot it's those kinda 'good bye' msg, but it turn out to be a 'explaination' msg.

what is really going on ? it's really complicated. sigh. i kinda relieve knowing the truth but on another side it's a mixed feelings. and i kinda lost not knowing what to do.

i suppose we see r/s differently.

' when you dont know where you want to head to, you wldn reach any destination'

1 x msg :/
1 x unforsee situation = 1 x sai gang :(
4 x rehers = :(
1 x hangout chit chat session with my guys :)
1 x truth = :) + :(
1 x ord letter = :D


---------" -----------

how i hope you will put in more efforts. but still i suppose treasure the moments are still the best policy.

: grey wind

Went back to camp to settle some misc stuffs,

boss said: you could have pass down ur duties to other spec, pls rem to clear your leave and off.

i said: yes i will. (i wanted to but i suppose they wouldn wanna do it =(. ) who will wanna take up these responsibilities and extra work ?

oh well people have different principles, different priorities in life.

first official driving lesson today, shiok shiok !! car is still much better =)

abit nervous, well well it has been like 7 yrs ever since i last drove discreetly ? =x

----- " -----

alright, poison subsided, and being able to think in other perspective.

let's set the rule simple,
whatever happen, as long as she happy.
whichever happen, as long as it will be a better path for her.

the rest that happens doesnt matters.

pls learn how to handle situations (with friends you don like, in r./s, in life) so things wldn happen again. Should similar situations arises again, you will be able to handle it more appropriately. =)

just like, after being through the cloudy days, if you learn from it, you will be able to cope or avoid it. if you choose not to, then you will always have a hard time tackling these days.

after short period of mulling, learn from it, be happy ever after

welll welll it's always easier to be said then to be done ...

This quote from some oldies caught my attention.

爱一个人如何死守到老
怎样面对一切我不知道
回忆过去痛苦的相思忘不了


i am a character in your dream, upon waking up, it's time to leave.

i wanna sing my lungs OUT!

----

: purple rain

wth ! one aunty claim that me and my 2nd bro look like twins ! when we are 4 yrs difference in age ! gosh ! and the worse part is she thot i was the older brother!gosh ! do i look tat old ?!

-----" -----

why close blog ?
not really close it but just change the add

it's becos i don wanna let u know how i feel,
don wanna upset u
don wanna restrict and type puzzle
don wanna let u know the truth
becos you wldn be able to handle the situations properly.

after i read between the lines

so i shall handle these all by myself.

and pls be happy.

-----"

the green poison sank deeper into me.

when i look into every minor details i see this.

u ignore my existance
u make me feel weak
u make me feel useless

AGAIN

still i will just blame my stupidity for looking into minor details which make me felt worse.
------------------"

yes a person who cant be bother will never try to understand u.

u know what? i so feel like calling out the decision now instead of waiting after ur bd. but still there i so many considerations...

the heart of mine is dying, one u will realise u are just holding a cold 'feeling less' hand.

just like what u stated
If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love .

If a relationship can't move forward, it withers .

------------- "

26jun. Sat. Purple rain

I cant take this. it's abit too much ..

i dont need some other guy who u put as admin to invite me to your bd celebration. it just shows what i am to u and what he is to you .

so pls, do watever u two wanna do, but pls keep me in the dark. becos i had enuff of all these nonsense.

why me in the first place, whereby u guys get closer after we got tgt, so am i a toy to u two? since u guys like each other then go ahead, why drag me into the picture! whereby now my feelings are affected.

you made me feel useless, u made me feel like a fool.

i always there wanting to help, but u nv once accept it.

when u need help, i knw i nv be the first person that come to ur mind.

i have alrd choose to lenghten this path of suffering (when ur feelings is not there anymore). Just to do this one last task, and off i go (since that's what u wanted).

i choose to standby a person who doesnt give a damn or concern about me, a person who's not even trying.

it's not easy, certainly , it's just like having the 2nd stab and lenghten the stab.

thanks for the prank cupid. i feels like a fishing clown in the circus. and u wldn know how shitty i am feeling now. nth could be worse. it's just a one sided affair ultimately.

well not knowing all these will be better for u, then u wldn be so trouble.

at least at the end, the memories on ur side would be a more happy one.

soory blogg, for venting this out on u, this is the only place where my mask can be take off.

bad headache since afternoon ...

--------------------" 27060007

25jun. fri. breezy blue

nice afternoon having her around.


look ard .. and yes certainly r/s is just like a gamble of ur own feelings.

someone asked, no pain meh ??

sometimes it's not that it doesnt hurt but it just that it had turn soo numb to it.

who wldn in such situations ?

certainly the fact is that i cant provide her the most simplest task - 'happiness' , instead 'troubles and problems' were given to her.

oh well... 23 ++ days ltr ... it will be another phase of life for her, prolly with me taking a step out of her life ... after i fulfill the last task . she will be happier then after =)

was listening to some emo songs certainly remind me of the some past and present situations ...
'ni hai ai wo ma' - jolin
'wo zhi dao ni hen nan guo' - jolin
'ni kuai le ma' - jolin
'zui jing' - li sheng jie

listen to the lyrics, feel the story

---------------- 26060030hrs.



23jun. wed. -

woke up @ 3plus
look at the watch: 313 am -_-"'

back to slp.. cont dream

woke up agn @ 4 plus
look at the watch: 426am -_-|||

what's wrong with my body clock! and i am practically dreaming the whole night in camp ! gosh !

weird dream:
A dream with her at some road side food stall

-----------------" 2406. xxxx hrs

23jun. Wed. breezy blue.

YEAH manage to pass FTT, was so worry that i might fail due to insufficient preparation.

------" ------------

it takes 2 hands to clap.

hope e feelings on ur side will be back.

i will wait sliently, till ur feelings gone totally.

the glimpse of hope.

..... " -------

i know if i nv appear in ur life. u will never be so trouble..

but still i am glad u appear in my life, thou moments are short, i nv regret choosing this path.

sometimes he hate himself for being useless when trap in a situaion like this.

sometimes he wonder why cupid put him through similar situations agn and agn.

she like him, they like each other, he like her.

why does moment of liking each other is always so short ?

well well that's life.

soooo many problems in life.

stand by me, will u ?

我学会用微笑带过

....." ------ 23062001hrs

22jun. Tues. Cloudy Red

FTT in less then 10hrs time. guess i gonna fail it! gosh, didn really study/ read-up on it.

10rds around the track and my legs are aching. weak... more mid d running needed.

i wldn want to be an irritant and make things worse. sigh ...

there are things which i want to do, but i cant... becos this and that ..

how i wish.

---- " ----

people will only see what is shown, very often they will never know/ don care the efforts and processes.

often people say things when they are not going to carry out.

---- " ----

no one says anything, they have simply left us out. nothing was told, nothing was inform and they always expect me/us to know everything. pls, i am not 'superman', how would i know things when u guys didnt inform me/ pass down the information. gosh ! this isnt the first time. it's always like that. sigh .. miscom miscom.

---- " ----

cant u just shutup stupid , u are extremely noisy. u claim we are a family, we shld help u this give u this but what have u done for us in the past and even now?! sai! wtfish ! only know how to smoke and drink ! fish U! thanks to ur selfishness and being irresponsible.

and lucky u stop ! else ! i am really gonna shout it out at u !

---- " ----

extremely unhappy !!


---------------------- " ---------------------- 23060058

21jun. Mon. green cloud

0 excution mistake for today's rehersal. great hopefully this will happen on the actual day too.

certainly the sore throat, running nose and dry cough is killing me. having hard time to control it while trying to stand still.

---- "

a asked: 'why u so garang?'
b : 'garang?'

a: as in doing everything urself
b: cos it's part of responsibility

a: there are also so other s around
b: but i suppose they wouldn want to bother, that's life. and if i dont ,then no one will.

conclusion
' why bother to make others life easier when it's going to make urs worst ?'

felt stupid at times . yes. for everything happening around.

---- "

'i am lost , nth can be done for this and perhaps let time and fate make the decision.'

------------23472106

20jun. Sun. Red Cloud

NRWC as traffic controller, alright although it's under hot sun without shelter, but at least it isnt boring.

--- "

'Why this?! I thought it's always like that?!'

sai ! how dare u said this! i have always trying to be nice to u guys, and u take all these privileges for something that it should be given.

Seriously at that point of time I was extremely >:( . Maybe not giving them these privileges that often would be a better choice, so that they wouldnt take it for granted.

i dislike people who treat others like shit, no giving others the basic respect.
--- "

And yes, now my life is revolving around these things ,

when u get this, u will expect more.
when u get this, u wont cherish it.
when u get this, u threw it aside.
when u get this, u will think 'that' is always better.

'one who never taste bitter will not appreciate the sweetness within.'

----------23522006



19jun. Sat. Purple wind

1 x major mistake
2 x minor mistake
unknown no. of unknown mistake

---------23301906

18jun. thurs. purple rain.

---- "

saw a dog at the road side.

instinct says: 'hello !! he gonna run across the road!'

action: slow down, almost stopping.

as i approaching, he just dashed across the road.

action: stop !

the owner smile, a sign of thank you.

alright lucky i followed my instinct, gosh.

well instinct helps at times like this =)

really miss him at this point of time, thou he have left us to another world 6 yrs ago . sigh.

give me another chance, i ll take good care of him.

sometimes in life it just take to lost certain things inorder to appreciate it.

----- "

things change drastically for the way he say things as compared to ytd. it's like a 360 degree change. aleight i guess it's human nature when they are just not in the mood. -_-"'

----- "

i made mistakes after mistakes which i usually don, and well thanks that no one notice it.

fatigue + problems alll over everywhere, both mentally and physically exhausted.

how i hope this guys can just take their own initiative to do certian things, instead of waiting for someone to push or serve them.

though it's irritating sometimes to handle people and situations. and ya a simple minded person like me doesnt like trouble. ohh well handling issues in shift, people of higher up and under me, people from other places (log, trans...) . and i realise it feels weird to speak a complete chinese sentence.(thanks to bus driver who doesnt understand angmo at alll) somehow or rather got so use to mixing angmo, dialect and chinese together. 'singlish' eh ?

but certainly i have pick up alot new stuffs in this process =)

for all the problems in life, i suppose i'll just blame on my stupidity and incompetent to solve certian puzzles and situations in life.

it certainly feels better after the ride 'flying' back.

simple and nice shirt. (Y)

there's alot of things going through mr brain.

hi mr headache, bloocknose.

'just realise my green ic is in the washing machine' ...

------ " ------ 19060018


17jun. thurs. purple rain.

certainly yes, affected even though 6th sense have told me so beforehand.

approaching the tip of the cliff, but still hope for miracles to happen.

hi mr sorethroat.


------" ------- 2300++1706

15jun. tues. purple cloud

it's tough. At first i tot, but life stated otherwise.

alright, face it, it's just another similar cycle, round and round.

gosh i seriously need some morale booster. morale meter running dry.

---- "

'never regret on decision i made, even though life state otherwise, i will never let this word appear in my dictionary.'

----" 15062300++

13jun. sun. breezy blue

a simple and blissful image i saw, a kid holding the hands of dad and mum swinging to and fro. :) and there i wonder why on other hand certain kids will nv have the chances to experience this in their life.

somehow or rather i misses those kids back in those days, their nonsense, their simple why why why, their willingness to learn etc etc ...

then this link me days back where there was a debate with one of my friends, why do couple hold hands? well well there's 1001 reasons for this. but then everyones got their answer for the same reason.

--- " --- " ---

'in life most things dont last forever, that's why treasure every moments while things last ... '

--- " 1306102150hrs

12jun. sat. -

*alright i am typing nonsense agn, incomplete sentences and meaningless stuffs. soo kindly jus ignore .

the less expected stuffs will always turn out .......

care, concern, comuncation is some of those impt ingredients , but . .. totally speechless. idk . idk . idk . u don say. i wldn know. i suppose that's ....

alright. shut!

i suppose this is just another roller coaster ride in life.

directional signs
< go here
> go there
> < meet

where am i heading to ?? ... somewhere in sg ...

things are actually simple , it just tat ..

some will always get the better parts in life, while some always dont .

some appreciate certian things in life, while some will never understand it.

well well ... like always said . that's life. sigh .


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - " 2355hrs120610

10jun. thu. grey cloud

i don't know, i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,i don't know,

i close my eyes and wonder...

---------- " ----------- 10jun,1150hrs.

09jun. wed. cloudy grey

wait + wait + wait... endless process of waiting today.

sore throat + heat rash + peeling. gosh .

---- " ----

07may. mon. breezy grey

need to change his stroke totally. it will take quite sometimes. gosh.

oh welll... time to squeeze more brain juice to think about stuffs, ideas and future.

a step back and u ll see.

take a step back,
things will be view differently,
ideas will be generate creatively,
and solutions will emerge out unknowingly.

at times of fustration,
it calm u down,
clear things out,
and enable u to react more appropriately.

there are many ways of doing it,
some through slping,
some through stoning,
while some simply through the means of rolling the eyeballs.

certain views shouldnt be trap,
just like a bird in the cage,
when the view of the world is limited to the views outside the cage,
free from the cage and things will be different.

--- " gosh ... nonsense again ...

wonder is situations part of the ingredients to make bonds stronger between humans ?

mr sore throat is here to visit my throat. -_-"'

nice music: smile of tears.

---- " ---- adios 07may@1110hrs

4jun. fri. sunny orange

'There is no limit to love's forbearance, to its trust, its hope, its power to endure.' - seriously like this quote from fortune cookie =)

Almost unable to make it on time this evening after soo much unforesee things. phew. lucky enuff. =)

after soo long and now i am towing manikin again. gosh i tot i couldn do it, but oh well, i did it, thou not fast but well...

tues, wed, thu, fri + tmr sat, it will be 5 day consecutive 'sun ing' session. gosh, i am turning far too 'black'(not brown), and that V neck tan .. gosh.

'i am glad u are around to brighten up the sky' =)

good luck to her and them for the friendly comp with AC and NTU tmr ! =)

---- " ----

02jun. wed. breezy blue

did some stuffs that based purely on the sudden urge, becos 'feeling say so'. something which i will seldom do? =) 'u know i know we know'.

simple equation, u + me = we = us = :)
---- " ----